The Imitation Game

Yesterday was a very bad day. 

Really struggled to get through it.  My mind was tormented by worries, thoughts, and other assorted misgivings. YET AGAIN. Had a very difficult time concentrating at work, which is worrying, since I can't afford to slip up at work. Losing my job is probably one of the top three items on my worry list. Back a few years ago I was more cavalier (yet more stupid) about not working; now the mere thought of not having an income terrifies me. Add to that the fact that I'm now considered part of the 'older' workforce, so how vital I am to an office, or to society overall, is diminishing.  I've become part of the invisible people - those who are are somewhat middle aged, and/or on the downhill slide of life. Nobody really pays much attention to them overall; it's like if you're over 40 you don't count for much. 

Listening to some 'inspirational' music on YouTube...not sure it's helping. My fantasy life feels so strong right now, that living in the "real world" is almost killing me. It's so dull, boring, uninspiring, and monotonous.  I wish I COULD live in a fantasy world: chasing bad guys, righting wrongs, fighting the enemy...all while looking gorgeous at the same time, of course. In my head I KNOW IT'S NOT REAL, I KNOW IT'S ONLY FANTASY AND MAKE BELIEVE. I know this. Really I do. I tend to be a realist, a rationalist. But the lure of something other than the boring minutiae of everyday life can be so overwhelming, sometimes it's all I can do to not just curl up around my on-line life and just go into absolute free fall.

The bright spot yesterday was the news that the Imitation Game is coming out at the end of the year, which has Ben as the lead role (as Alan Turing). 

Like many other nights, tried to watch some Sherlock last night before bed...got into bed early, around 8:30 PM, but by 9:15 I was already nodding off, so I shut everything down. However, as per usual, I woke far too early this morning, full of worries, my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. AGAIN. It was almost a relief when the alarm went off.  Yesterday I overslept - turned off the alarm, fell right back to sleep and was having a lovely Sherlock-y dream, when I suddenly jolted awake: why is it so light outside? Ugh. 7:30 AM. Overslept by an hour. So that didn't start the day well. I've been on new meds now for a week: WHEN WILL I START TO FEEL BETTER???

Also sent a very blunt and truthful email to my dad detailing what's been going on with me lately. He lent me $2,000 recently (which is nearly GONE already) and a good friend from work gave me $500 too.  How does money slip through my fingers so rapidly???  I should NOT be borrowing money from either my dad OR COWORKERS.