Climbing out of the pit

Aug. 25

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I have now been to a new doctor twice, who has put me on a regimen of (very expensive!) hormones, thyroid, and antidepressants.  It took awhile, and took tweaking my medications, but I AM FEELING BETTER, thank you Jesus! I still don't think I'm 100% just yet. It may be a long haul until I am. I'm just starting menopause, and apparently in my case, this 'change of life' tends to wreak havoc in my system. And since menopause can last YEARS, it truly won't be over till the fat lady sings. I'm sure my meds will have to be tweaked numerous times over the years. Hey, it's only money, right?

Those who truly suffer with depression...my heart goes out to them. Compared to many, I know I have a mild case. "Melancholy" and all that. But just the few months I felt that way were absolutely wrenching. I can't imagine living with that feeling ALL THE TIME. I never wanted to commit suicide, but I can COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND how someone would think that way. It's not that you want to end your life, you just want the pain and obsessive thoughts and horrible feelings to just STOP. It's like being inside a fuzzy gray box. It's all encompassing; you can't see a way out, you can't get comfortable, you can't stop thinking about it. It's always there. It presses into your subconscious and wraps around your brain until it's all you can think of.  I couldn't think, focus, comprehend, or pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds; I slept all the time - my weekends were spent in bed with the shades drawn; every horrible negative thought about myself, my life: past, present, and future, constantly tumbled around inside my brain. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. All my bad habits came out of the woodwork. Then my office life started to suffer, and that's when it got really scary, because as a singleton, I can't afford to not have an income!

But speaking of fat ladies, I have somehow managed to lose about 30 pounds.  Much of it was because while depressed, even eating wasn't pleasurable, so I just...didn't. Which is typically just the opposite of what happens when I get depressed: I usually stuff my face without thinking. I knew I had to eat something, so I tried to stick with juicing, something I'd been doing already for several months. I might not have wanted to eat anything, but drinking my food was easier. It's given me a bit of a kick start, and I want to keep going.  Already I seem to have hit a plateau, but adding exercise into my regimen isn't something I want to think about just yet. I know I need to do it, but I hate exercise with the passion of a thousand burning suns, so it may still be awhile till I actually commit. I really have no excuse; my apartment is mere steps from the exercise facilities. I DO actually have the time for it, but again, I just don't want to. Ironically, my lazy bone gets much more exercise than my willpower. 

This is another reason I want to move to London: everything is close by, within walking distance. Unlike Dallas, where you have to drive miles and miles just to get across town, in London, if you can't walk there, you can easily take a taxi, or the tube, or a bus. Dallas is trying to play catch up on public transport, but it will always be too little too late, IMO. And it will never be as extensive and all encompassing as what is already in London. I could actually walk to a few places where I currently live, but the traffic is so thick around here that it scares me to think about. Not to mention it's 100F outside. Not the kind of weather that inspires a nice brisk walk. Come on, Autumn.

However, moving to London may only exacerbate my depression, what with its cloudy, gloomy rainy weather 300 days of the year. Might have to think it through a bit more.

Waiting for the meds to kick in

I've been on new meds now for nearly 3 weeks.  Two types of hormones, thyroid meds, and an anti-depressant, but I still really don't feel any better.  I've been very up and down like an emotional yo-yo. I'm trying to keep my spirits up - trying to listen to music, and funny videos/movies, but the next day things could come crashing down again.

I feel spacey and disconnected.
I definitely don't feel evened out and even-keeled.
I'm SO BORED, but I'm completely restless. 
I still can't sleep. I wake up several times every night, never sleeping through the night. My cat now doesn't dare jump up on the bed, because I will literally kick her off.
I'm still feel exhausted, tired, and worthless.
I seem to have  a renewed sense of wanderlust to GO SOMEWHERE. Outside the country would be nice. I'm the only one in my family who's never been outside the borders of the U.S., how sad is that???

The creepy crawly all-encompassing FUNK continues...

About sums it up

Stolen from this website, which says it well: www.wingofmadness.com/what-does-depression-feel-like

• I’m experiencing both depression and anxiety.
• I don’t feel anything, I’m totally emotionally numb towards everything.... Including my significant other and my family.
• I don’t feel love for anyone, I don’t feel positive emotions, and everything ticks me off. Even something I may have been able to blow off when I was happy now ruins my day.
• My boyfriend irritates me more than usual and so do all my friends. I have a hard time finding humor in everything everyone says, and I’m finding common ground with everyone.
• I don’t want to be with friends and everyone bores me.
• I don’t wanna do anything, however I’m restless, and nothing gives me joy. I have intrusive thoughts that won’t get out of my head and sucks up my happiness.

The Imitation Game

Yesterday was a very bad day. 

Really struggled to get through it.  My mind was tormented by worries, thoughts, and other assorted misgivings. YET AGAIN. Had a very difficult time concentrating at work, which is worrying, since I can't afford to slip up at work. Losing my job is probably one of the top three items on my worry list. Back a few years ago I was more cavalier (yet more stupid) about not working; now the mere thought of not having an income terrifies me. Add to that the fact that I'm now considered part of the 'older' workforce, so how vital I am to an office, or to society overall, is diminishing.  I've become part of the invisible people - those who are are somewhat middle aged, and/or on the downhill slide of life. Nobody really pays much attention to them overall; it's like if you're over 40 you don't count for much. 

Listening to some 'inspirational' music on YouTube...not sure it's helping. My fantasy life feels so strong right now, that living in the "real world" is almost killing me. It's so dull, boring, uninspiring, and monotonous.  I wish I COULD live in a fantasy world: chasing bad guys, righting wrongs, fighting the enemy...all while looking gorgeous at the same time, of course. In my head I KNOW IT'S NOT REAL, I KNOW IT'S ONLY FANTASY AND MAKE BELIEVE. I know this. Really I do. I tend to be a realist, a rationalist. But the lure of something other than the boring minutiae of everyday life can be so overwhelming, sometimes it's all I can do to not just curl up around my on-line life and just go into absolute free fall.

The bright spot yesterday was the news that the Imitation Game is coming out at the end of the year, which has Ben as the lead role (as Alan Turing). 

Like many other nights, tried to watch some Sherlock last night before bed...got into bed early, around 8:30 PM, but by 9:15 I was already nodding off, so I shut everything down. However, as per usual, I woke far too early this morning, full of worries, my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. AGAIN. It was almost a relief when the alarm went off.  Yesterday I overslept - turned off the alarm, fell right back to sleep and was having a lovely Sherlock-y dream, when I suddenly jolted awake: why is it so light outside? Ugh. 7:30 AM. Overslept by an hour. So that didn't start the day well. I've been on new meds now for a week: WHEN WILL I START TO FEEL BETTER???

Also sent a very blunt and truthful email to my dad detailing what's been going on with me lately. He lent me $2,000 recently (which is nearly GONE already) and a good friend from work gave me $500 too.  How does money slip through my fingers so rapidly???  I should NOT be borrowing money from either my dad OR COWORKERS.  

IDIOCRACY

Subtext: Idiocracy and the difference between the way the U.S. and England's collective brains work.


Watched another movie last night called "Starter for Ten." Cute movie, with a fantastic soundtrack (all mid-80s stuff, a huge reminiscence for me, as that was during my prime "party days" back in Milwaukee; it may all have been standard British radio "pop" songs to them, but to me, they were club tunes, music I danced to till all hours, music that helped pave the way to more interesting and obscure stuff forevermore).  Of course Ben's role was great. He was hilarious as the posh nerd with slicked down hair who fretted over coasters, and berated Brian for his "Essex" working class background, yet couldn't answer a single quiz question to save his life...even though he was captain of the quiz team).

So because it's what I do when I want to know more about something, I let my fingers do the walking to cull more information about it. The book/film is based on a long-running British quiz show called "University Challenge." What piqued my interest is that the questions they asked in the movie were SO difficult, SO meaningless, and SO obscure to my dull American ears and mind, that I had to know more. I found this link that featured some of their questions, and of all of them, I got maybe 3 or 4 correct, and half of them were mere guesses. Mostly I found myself thinking that I had NO idea what these questions are even asking about, as I had absolutely no reference point to start from.

Which led me to the conclusion: WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in this country.

Like Brian, the main character in the movie/book, I want to know EVERYTHING. Call me a know-it-all, but it seems the latter part of my life is desperately trying to make up for the former part of my life, when I hated school with a passion. Maybe I just wasn't being educated the way that my brain works, but is one of the biggest reasons I never continued onto to college.  So I'm like Brian, but my life is that of his friend Spencer. However at this time in my life I'm like a sponge, constantly wanting to know more about the arts, books, movies, history, etc. You know...everything.

Score: 22 out of 27

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm


HSP - Highly Sensitive Person

I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input.

I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.

Other people's moods affect me.

I tend to be very sensitive to pain.

I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days,into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.

I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.

I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells,coarse fabrics,or sirens close by.

I have a rich, complex inner life.

I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.

I am deeply moved by the arts or music.

My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go off by myself.

I am conscientious.

I startle easily.

I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.

When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating).

I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.

I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.

I make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.

I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.

Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me,disrupting my concentration or mood.

Changes in my life shake me up.

I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.

I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once.

I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.

I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes.

When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.

When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.

What NOT to say to a depressive

Just found this. Sadly I've said this to people, and here I am fighting depression myself.  I'll have to think things through a little better next time. 

http://tinyurl.com/prabvxa

1. It’s all in your head. You need to think positive.
Upon hearing this, I wanted to throw a life-size figure of Tony Robbins at them. Because, while optimism is certainly important in training the brain, studies have shown that people who are severely depressed or acutely anxious only activate their amydalas (fear center of the brain) by forcing positive thinking

2. You need to get out of yourself and give back to the community.
This is one that certainly made bad things worse. Because now, in addition to feeling severely depressed, a person also feels guilty and self-absorbed. Yes, giving back is important, but only when a person is healthy enough to hold a ladle at a soup kitchen.

3. Why don’t you try and exercise?
This is good advice. Exercise has strong antidepressant effects. However telling someone that they need to exercise is a little like telling someone their butt looks fat in those jeans. You need to hint at it, but not put it directly on the table, or else the person may very well take up kick-boxing and practice with you.

4. Shop at Whole Foods and you will feel better.
Why does this get me? Because 1) I don’t have the money to shop at Whole Foods, and 2) although I know that my diet affects my mood, and the more organic the better, I resent your telling me that my Frosted Flakes is what’s causing power outage in the left frontal lobe of my brain.

5. Meditation and yoga are all you need.
Correction: meditation and yoga may be all that people experiencing mild and moderate depression need. Both are important tools to reduce depression. However, acute anxiety and severe depression are different animals altogether. In fact, my suicidal thoughts worsened with yoga.

6. Get a new job.
Maybe the job is making your loved one depressed. Stress is never a good thing for our health, and especially our emotional health. It pours toxins into our bloodstream. But don’t encourage a major decision while the person is depressed. A balanced perspective is needed.

7. Are you happy in your relationship?
Again, relationship problems might certainly be triggering the depression, but I’ve talked to too many people who almost left their husbands and wives when they were clinically depressed, thinking that something around them must be the problem. Since a spouse is the closest thing, he or she gets blamed for the mood dips.

8. You have everything you need to get better.
This, of course, implies that all pharmaceutics are toxins that do nothing more than dull your emotions. Guess what? Some forms of modern medicine actually aid recovery!! Seriously! Kind of like chemotherapy for cancer patients, and insulin for diabetes. Would you tell a woman with breast cancer she has everything she needs to get better? No. I didn’t think so.

9. Do you WANT to feel better?
This was my very favorite. Because it suggests that we can will ourselves to be as happy as we want. Want to be a little more giddy? Let me just adjust the optimism lever a tad. There we go … happy again! Again, I do think you do to watch your thoughts, retrain them and retrain them, applying tools for optimism. But I don’t think we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps without any help every time. Please don’t make the person feel like a failure in addition to depressed.

10. Everyone has problems.
Although mentioned in the CBS News article, it’s important to note again because it comes up so often. Forget about Congo and Bangladesh when talking to a depressed loved one. Some people absolutely do have it worse. But that doesn’t make her pain any less real or profound. Chances are if you do bring it up, she will also feel weak and pathetic … like she has no right to feel the way she’s feeling, which will, of course, make her feel worse.

Catharsis

The dam burst last night. 

Thanks to "The Hobbit" and a bottle of wine, I suffered a major meltdown, complete with body-wracking sobs, tears dripping all over my glasses, and gasping breaths. And once it started, I couldn't stop, I couldn't control it...it took on a life of its own. To make matters worse, I then decided, in my drunken stupor, that putting on headphones and listening to Benedict Cumberbatch whisper sweet nothings into my soul would be bene-ficial. At some point I decided to go outside, and to the pool (the pool - a place I hadn't been to ONCE in all the years I've lived where I do). The night was beautifully soft and warm, and I had the entire (warm) pool to myself. Even better, the pool had a very shallow section (only about 6" deep) with two low chairs set right in the middle of it. I plopped down on one, and used the other as a footrest. Oh, did I mention I was in a long (maxi) dress? So there I sat, Benedict's melted-butter voice reciting Keats in my ears, in my now soaking wet dress, the soft breeze caressing my skin, and me boo-hooing my eyes out.

It was sheer bliss. 

After awhile the tears dried up, but I let Benedict's soothing voice go on and on. It doesn't matter man says or reads or narrates - could be the phone book for all I care - he has the most glorious voice ever. I dozed off and on for awhile until a couple decided to come to the pool for some basketball. Not a euphemism - they really were splashing about, tossing a ball into a floating hoop, completely destroying the peaceful reverie of my self-induced pity party. So I decided it was time for bed.

I wobbled back to my apartment, my wet clothes clinging to me, the A/C making them feel absolutely frigid against my body. I stripped them off, crawled into bed, and had lovely dreams about ... what, I can't remember. However, upon waking, I felt ... well, better, actually. A bit clearer. And it was actually early. Ish. Before 9 AM even, a record. I guess it's true what they say about having a good cry. It really is cathartic. All those pesky emotions must rise up and get boiled out through one's tears.

So a new day cometh ... I just have to figure out what to do with it.  Movie? Museum? I know I have to get out of the house at some point, even if it's just running to Walmart. 

So much drama

I can't remember the last time I was this freaked out about my life. 

I could expound for HOURS about the state of my life currently. SOOO many layers to my messy existence, it's literally all I can do to get up and go to work every day (and keep myself looking 'decent' in the process). 

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I have no drive to do anything, I don't leave my house, I don't want to talk to anyone, I hate everything and everyone, I'm angry and bitchy, yet am "this close" to tears at any given moment; and one of the biggest things: I'm not eating...or actually I don't want to eat. Nothing sounds the least palatable (something extremely unlike me). 

I hate living in Dallas (I've always hated Dallas, but truly, it's pure laziness that is the reason why I'm still here...and no money of course), and I really have no friends to speak of. Oh, I have acquaintances that I sometimes hang out with, but they're not really my friends. They're 'fair weather' friends who have neither the time nor inclination to join at many of the things that I'd like to do. And I don't know if this is a purely 'human issue' or an individual issue, but it seems that no one--and I mean NO ONE--whether they're friends or family, truly understands or "gets" me.  I have no one of a similar "ilk" to do things with, nor do I have the money with which to do it. Catch-22.

I don't want a boring life. I just want a life less ordinary. 

'Sherlock' has actually opened my eyes to another list of "10 things I hate about..." namely, the stupidity of people/my friends/our country as a whole (see my previous post about the tragedy of American language). Maybe I should have moved to England years ago, but the show (and Benedict himself - read up on his background - he's so well-rounded as a human being, it makes me weep) has really fanned the flames of my Anglophile-ism. It's brought out such a LOVE of well spoken language, smart humor (or is that humour?), the art of linguistic repartee, sharp wit, the levels and layers of language and its meaning. None of which we seem to have here. Everything is so stupid, vaccuous, shrill, immature, ebonics-ridden, and uber-casual to the point of absolute linguistic sloth. Add to that the problems of our society being both hyper-critical and hyper-sensitive to everything that is said, and our language and humor gets beaten into the ground, for fear of 'offending' someone.

All I know is that I feel like I am NOT. GETTING. FED.  I don't know where to do, what to do, or where to even LOOK to help me fill this gaping "humanities hole" or whatever it is, that I feel like I have inside me. Some days I feel like I might take up singing. Or painting. Or acting. Some days it's techie stuff. Other days it's foreign languages. Others, interior design. Many days I wish that my parents had forced the arts upon us more. One of my saddest regrets is that I don't know how to play any instrument, nor speak a foreign language (been in Texas now 30 years, you think I'd have picked up some Spanish). I do so wish I could play the piano. Shoulda woulda coulda. :( 

I'm also infinitely sad that my life is now 3/4 over yet I have nothing to show for it. No home. No husband. No kids. (well, the kids part I still don't really regret) No success. No fame. No FORTUNE, obviously. I have a hard time reading about anyone who has "money to burn" when I can't even afford cat food...I'm so tired of the living the transient apartment life, but don't want to (nor can afford) to put down roots because Dallas definitely ain't for me. Never has been. Now London...it's all right there. Don't even need a car.

ALL THAT BEING SAID, I'm not stupid enough not to realize that all of this may be caused by my depression coming back. With a vengeance. And this time it brought along a friend called 'Menopausal Hormones'.  And apparently they don't like to play nice. I had weaned myself off my depression meds months ago because I didn't want to keep taking drugs, and didn't like the fact that I was feeling...well, nothing in particular. Not happy, not sad, just...blah. Vacant. Unfortunately, my own wonderful doctor is retired now, so I don't have any doctor, period. Nor can I afford to visit one ($35 co-pay? Nope, can't even afford that). So basically, I'm just "maintaining existence" and nothing more. I put on a good act, everyone thinks I'm doing just fine, I keep the office humming along, but like a duck on a pond, beneath the water my little "internal duck legs" are churning the water into foam inside me. Whoever said that being a Christian would make life all happy clappy and amazing, full of fluffy clouds and little chirping birdies...was SORELY mistaken. Just makes me want to punch this guy in the head.

I tend to throw "pity parties" like this now and then but this one is pretty significant. Although I'm sure there will be more in the future. That seems to be my le chemin de ma vie.

Why do Americans have such poor English language skills?

I've been asking myself this question for years. American English has become so casual, so sloppy, so filled with "trash talk," slang, rap references, 'ebonics,' and verbal shortcuts and the like, that it's a wonder anyone can get a point across, period. 

Add to that the decline of American schools overall, lack of real/true knowledge in school books, children raised by disinterested parents, who are then disinterested and disinclined to learn, teachers being nothing more than mere babysitters, and possible new teachers going into other professions in droves, and you have the makings of an abysmally sad state of language affairs.  

Add to that the fact that the history of our language, culture, and country is so far removed from the eloquent richness and greatness of our British forefathers, we seem to have nothing from which to build. Our language is fluid, but only 'fluid' in the sense of sand slipping through one's fingers.

The contrast between the language used by the British and that used by Americans is stunning in the extreme.  British knowledge and use of language is so much more rich, with so much more depth and meaning, and is full of words, idioms, thoughts and references that we Americans don't even know exist. A tragedy. Read anything by C. S. Lewis, P. G. Wodehouse, Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes), Keats, Kipling, or any of the myriad of other British writers - even those from not all that long ago - and you will notice an overall richness of tone, depth and content that you do not find in American literature.   

America is all too fast becoming the society in the movie 'Idiocracy.' We are destroying ourselves from within, and our very language is a major part of that. 

Paint. It. BLACK.

Have been in a very very dark place, a black hole, these last few days, and really for no reason. Nothing is right. I hate everyone and everything. I can't think. I can't concentrate. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to even talk.  I'm 'this close' to having a meltdown, and have been really struggling to hold back a flood of tears this week. I think my depression has returned with a vengeance. It doesn't help that I am somewhat menopausal on top of it, so my hormones may be spinning me out of control. And I'm completely out of meds.

I'm a very obsessive person.  What I like can easily tip over into an obsession. I've learned that usually it's just a phase, and is like a flare: it burns very hot, very fast, very intensely, then fizzles out in a short time, usually because I've become bored with it. So right now I only want to curl up in bed forever and make the world go away.

On top of that, I just got a notice from my apartment manager that says they're raising my rent by over $100 a month next lease. I can't afford to move to a cheaper place, or to move, period. Moving takes money, which I don't have. Plus my home computer is dying and I need a new one.

Why does just "life-ing" have to be so hard?